“Is it possible for you to live a joyous and happy life with peace of mind in our topsy-turvy world?” That quote is from Ken Keyes in his book, Three Prescriptions for Happiness. It is a fun and very short read. Here is a link to a free online version of the book.
The three “prescriptions” in that book made a big impression on me when I read it in the late 1980s. I was in my late 20s at the time. For some reason, those principles really resonated with me. And they still do to this day.
The three prescriptions for happiness are:
- Ask for what you want – but don’t demand it.
- Accept whatever happens – for now.
- Turn up your love – even if you don’t get what you want.
Ask For What You Want – But Don’t Demand It
Here are some quotes from the book on the first part of Prescription #1 – Ask For What You Want:
You stand a better chance of getting what you want when you ask for it than when you don’t. Just simply ask for what you want - without playing deceptive games, without loading it down
with separating emotions or implied threats. Without using a heavy tone of voice. Simply but definitely and specifically, ask for what you want!
Being simple, direct and specific, without making a pressure-cooker situation out of asking for what you want is a skill you will have to develop if you want to live a happier life.
Here are some quotes from the book on the second part of Prescription #1 – But Don’t Demand It:
A demanding act comes from a demanding frame of mind. Look at your separating feelings, your attitudes and mental positions. And then see how you act out your demands: by playing “poor me,” by playing “you hurt me” and by playing “if you really loved me. . . .” and on and on.
Sometimes you get what you want by demanding. But it’s like losing a dollar and gaining a quarter! When you either loudly or softly demand (instead of prefer) you will lose: insight, humor, enjoyment, a feeling of love (for yourself and others) and your peace of mind.
How do you stop demanding? It will mean letting go of that rock-like stance you put on when you ask for something. It will mean that you stop frowning and feeling so serious about the soap opera we call life.
It will mean taking the this-is-such-a-heavy-problem tone out of your requests— along with all the threatening and worried overtones.
It will mean sometimes asking for things with a smile and a feeling of fun showing that you’re tuned in to the way life is just a cosmic joke after all!
Think about a time when someone asked you for what they wanted, but they did it in a way where they were actually demanding they get it. Sometimes a person will ask for what they want... but through their words, or their body language, they are actually saying – you better give me what I want, Or Else!
I have had plenty of people do that to me over the years, especially at work. Without even thinking about it I instantly resist. It may not be a mature reaction, but there is a part of me that says to myself – “you must be crazy if you think you are going to force me to do anything, much less honor your demand”.
It's almost as if a demand sends out a signal to those hearing the demand. The signal says, “please do everything you can to make sure I DO NOT get what I want.” A demand can create negative energy that works to defeat the goal.
When you demand something you are being rude. That’s the reason why so many of us where raised not to ask for what we want ( at least in our younger days). The problem is we would have probably been much better off if we would have been taught not to demand something. That is really the point. Asking for what you want is smart, demanding it is not.
The good news is that when you ask for what you want, and you do in the right way, you have just distinguished yourself from most every other person around you. Whether you are an employee, or business owner, you have set yourself out from others in a positive way and dramatically increased the likelihood that you will get what you want.
The person you are asking may not even realize the subtle difference in your approach. But they will feel differently about your request. They will want to help you get what you want.
Accept Whatever Happens – For Now
Here are some quotes from the book on the first part of Prescription #2 – Accept Whatever Happens:
“Accept whatever happens—for now” may mean that you’ll have to learn to accept the “unacceptable.” You may have to forgive the “unforgivable.” You may have to love the “unlovable.”
To develop the most satisfying outcomes, most of your problems require more insight and a practical back-and-forth working with the situation over a period of time. Emotionally accepting and patiently working with life situations will get you the most that’s gettable!
Try to remember that it’s always your emotion-backed demands that are really the practical cause of your own unhappiness. A lot of human suffering is caused by the mind that takes offense at what’s happening.
Accepting may mean that you look at what you do have— and quit focusing so much on what you don’t have. Whenever you turn your mind loose, hankering after what you don’t have, you keep on creating the experience of unhappiness.
It doesn’t mean you have to like what’s happening. It doesn’t mean you have to stop trying to change what’s happening. It doesn’t mean you have to think that whatever happens is right. It may mean that you are going to prefer that something be different – but not addictively demand it any longer.
Perhaps you need more practice in gently holding onto what you feel is right without creating anger in yourself. Look at all the uptightness and tension you’re creating in your body and mind. Relax for your own sake. Let go of convincing others that you’re right— and treat yourself to happiness!
The letting go, the inner surrender, the non-demanding we are talking about is vastly different from defeat, or submissiveness, or a loss of strength, or diminished effectiveness, or loss of individuality. What we’re talking about is you releasing yourself from inner desires for what the world is not ready to give you right here and right now.
Wisely letting go saves your energy, clears your mind, gives you sharper insights, enables you to enjoy the here–and–now moment in your life and helps you increase your love for yourself and all other people.
Here are some quotes from the book on the second part of Prescription #2 – For Now:
“For now” helps your mind tune in to the here and now. After all, the here and now is all you’ve ever got. Try to stop making yourself so upset because life is the way it is.
In the precise here–and–now moment there is nothing you can do to change anything. Maybe you can change it one second from now— or one month from now. It’s OK to play the game of shaping things up the way you want them. Just don’t make yourself unhappy in the meanwhile.
Relax your too-active mind. Our minds stay so busy regretting the dead past and creating concern about the imaginary future that now is continually lost! Enjoy what’s now— even though a part of it is not the way you want it to be.
One of the things you haven’t been willing to face is that your life will never meet your mental models of perfection. It’s always been “imperfect.” It always will be “imperfect.” That’s the way life is. If you want to be happy you’ll learn to be with life and accept life the way it is— which means it will sometimes fit your expectations— and sometimes it won’t.
Sometimes life is lousy. But you don’t have to make yourself feel lousy. If your mind will look around it will see that it always has enough to be happy!
If you’ll just prefer that things be different, you can enjoy your life. And you can put energy into changing what you don’t like. But quit demanding that they be different from the way they are now— even if you’re right! In other words, the happy person learns to live with the daily “imperfections” of his or her life.
You can emotionally “accept whatever happens—for now” and at the same time you do not have to like what happens. You can try to change whatever is wisely changeable without setting up more problems in your life. To emotionally accept whatever happens means that you don’t even have to give up your feelings that what is happening is wrong! You just give up making yourself unhappy!
For me, “accept whatever happens – for now” may be the most important and powerful of the three “prescriptions.” When something happens that goes against what I want, or something bad happens in general, it reminds me to “just breathe.” It reminds me to remain calm and evaluate in my mind what has happened. If something has happened… it has happened. It’s already history in a way. It’s reality. As Byron Katie says, “when you argue with reality you lose, but only always.”
From there, I can shift gears into thinking about how I can create a plan to make the situation better in the future. I can begin noodling and planning specific actions to try to make the situation better. For me, that usually means sitting down with a blank sheet of paper and writing notes and exploring ideas for action.
One reason the “accept whatever happens – for now” approach resonates with me so much comes from my early experience learning to fly. I got my pilot’s license when I was 17. Much of the training to become a pilot is focused on learning how to deal with in-flight emergencies. We spent lots of training time simulating emergencies and learning to instinctively react to problems. It was all about staying calm, assessing the problem, and taking action in a professional manner in order to come out of the emergency safely.
When an emergency or problem happens in the air, you need to quickly assess what happened. There is no value in arguing about whether the problem is happening or arguing about that it shouldn’t have happened. Or getting pissed off that it’s not your fault it happened. Your survival, and the survival of your passengers, depends on you coming to grips with the reality of problem quickly and to begin taking specific action to address the problem.
Pilot training made a big impact on me when I was young. And I have found it to be very useful over the years as an approach to responding to challenges or disappointments in life and in business.
Turn Up Your Love – Even if You Don’t Get What You Want
Here are some quotes from the book on the first part of Prescription #3 – Turn Up Your Love:
I’ll bet you think that the third Prescription for Happiness suggests that you “turn up your love” in order to be nice to other people. That’s not it. You turn up your love to be nice to yourself!
Love means tearing down the separateness and the boundaries between your heart feelings and another person. Love is just a feeling of togetherness and openness in your heart.
Actually, when you love someone it means that he or she is putting you in touch with a part of you that you love in yourself. Conversely, notice that when you’re rejecting someone, he or she is only doing what you would strongly reject in yourself!
Love is a feeling of closeness, of warmth, of nonseparateness, of understanding, of togetherness— of oneness. Love is not a matter of what happens in life. It’s a matter of what’s happening in your heart.
To love more deeply, open your eyes to see and appreciate the beauty that is in your own life. Become more aware (perhaps by making lists) of the things that are lovable about you and your world. This will lead you automatically into experiencing the beauty and lovableness of the people around you.
As you open your heart, perhaps slowly at first, you will soon discover that people respond by opening their hearts to you. Before you know it your love will be increasing not as a word or as another “should,” but as a vital feeling you create in your heart.
Here are some quotes from the book on the second part of Prescription #3 – Even if You Don’t Get What You Want:
You don’t need this prescription to turn up your love when you get what you want. It’s easy to love when the sun is shining and you’re getting your way!
You must be able to keep your own heart open to another person no matter what’s happening in the soap opera of your life. You can throw someone out of your melodrama. But don’t throw him or her out of your heart.
You will not reach your potential for happiness unless you experience a lot of love for yourself and for other human beings.
Don’t worry about whether other people are loving you. That’s their problem. As you increase your skill in living a happy life, your only concern will be whether you are loving other people. You can always create your own experience of life in a beautiful and enjoyable way if you keep your love turned on within you— regardless of what other people say or do.
We can free ourselves from who we think we are so that the beautiful beings we are deep inside can come out and play with the other beautiful beings around us.
For me, prescription #3 reminds me to think about what I am thankful for. It helps me shift my attention away from what I am irritated about in the moment. It prompts me to close my eyes for a couple seconds and mentally put out a “Thank You” to the universe.
I try to remind myself that all is well. No need to get all wrapped up in the problem or what I am not getting at the moment. Sometimes it takes a while, but it seems to provide a nice way to “close the loop” and try to lighten up a bit. It can be a reminder not to take things so seriously. That life is an interesting ride, and it has ups and downs along the way.
Here are a few more quotes from the last chapter of the book.
It may take you months or even years to acquire the skill to use these guidelines. You’ve got to learn to use them in your heavier life situations— which is the time when you need them most. So, try not to let yourself get discouraged. You don’t have to apply them perfectly. The more you apply them, the more you get the benefits.
Be content with more or less, rather than all or none.
Tell yourself that for a while you’re going to quit putting so much energy into trying to change the people around you. It hasn’t worked that well, has it? Instead, you’re going to put your energy into doing the inner work on your own mind that will enable you to use these Prescriptions for Happiness skillfully and effectively in your daily life.
Loving more and demanding less are not only the nicest things you can do for yourself. They’re also the most caring things you can do for the whole world!
An interesting fact about Ken Keyes is that he contracted polio as a young man and was confined to a wheelchair at age 27. He said his life had been enriched by the disease: “Because without it, I don’t think I’d have discovered the personal growth methods that have meant so much to me. Perhaps I would have been so caught up in the business and social rat race that I wouldn't have sat still long enough to study my security, sensation and power illusions — and then discover how to deal with them so I could open up my heart to loving more. Today I view my so-called 'handicap' as another gift my life has offered me."
His three prescriptions for happiness have stuck with me for a long time. I am not always able to put them in practice the way I would like to.
But I keep trying. 😊